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Анекдоты
По приёмному отделению роддома мечется взволнованный будущий папа:
волосы взлохмачены, галстук на боку. Это продолжается несколько часов.
Когда у него уже совсем отказывают нервы, в помещение входит акушерка и говорит:
«Ну что вы так нервничаете? Успокойтесь, поздравляю, у вас девочка!»
Папаша садится на кушетку, отирает пот со лба: «Господи, счастье-то, какое!
Она никогда не будет мучиться, как я сейчас!»

Разговор двух эмбрионов:
- Скажи, а есть ли жизнь после родов?
- Не знаю, оттуда ещё никто не возвращался!

Вам кажется, что ваша беременная жена стала ужасно капризной? Что она начинает вести себя, как капризное дитя: ноет и жалуется на то, что муж невнимателен? У неё появляются странные прихоти, которые почему-то непременно нужно очень быстро выполнять? Понять, что происходит с женой, можно только одним способом: попытаться влезть в её шкуру. Выполняйте предложенные упражнения всё то время, что супруга ждёт ребёнка, и ваша любимая перестанет быть для вас загадкой. К приведённым ниже рекомендациям отнесетесь с юмором.

1-3 месяца.
  1. Каждый вечер устраивайте себе отравление – например, пейте водку с пивом без закуски.
  2. На следующее утро вставайте, выпейте снотворного и идите на работу. Если сильно тошнит – оставайтесь дома, но извольте прибрать и приготовить обед.
  3. К ногам привяжите мешочки с песком – по полтора килограмма.
  4. Ешьте творог. Если не хочется – по чуть-чуть.
  5. Это не ешьте, вам нельзя. Это тоже. И это. Лучше – яблочко.
  6. Прилягте и съешьте ещё один йогурт.
  7. Сходите в поликлинику и сдайте кровь из вены на СПИД и сифилис.
3-6 месяцев.
  1. К животу спереди привяжите надувную подушку с водой.
  2. Если одеваетесь – не отвязывайте её, так и надевайте ботинки.
  3. Спать – тоже с подушкой. Как? На боку!
  4. Не забудьте выпить снотворного с утра!
  5. А перед уходом на работу – литр воды.
  6. На ночь выпейте литр воды и мочегонное.
  7. Сходите в поликлинику и сдайте кровь из вены. Как на что? На СПИД и сифилис. Неважно, что уже сдавали.
6-9 месяцев.
  1. Подушку накачайте посильнее.
  2. Выпейте мочегонного, а на работе пейте по стакану воды каждый час.
  3. Постарайтесь не отлучаться с рабочего места слишком часто. Будьте бодрым и работоспособным в течение всего рабочего дня. Если у вас это получается слишком легко – увеличьте дозу снотворного.
  4. Вечером, не отвязывая подушку, ложитесь в постель и будьте потрясающим любовником!
  5. Уделяйте жене больше времени и внимания. Представьте – ведь и ей тоже тяжело!
  6. Сходите в поликлинику и сдайте кровь из вены. Как на что? Да на всё то же.
Удачи вам в трудном деле рождения малыша!!!

Из книги «Всё, что вы
хотели знать о родах, но стеснялись спросить»
Ирина Синько. – М.: АСТ; СПб.: Сова, 2006.


  


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Марина
Потрясающая статья, легко и с юмором помогает будущим папам ощутить себя на месте беременной жены.Спасибо авторам!
Ольга
Классная статья мы с мужем читали просто супер!
Ольга
Большое спасибо за статью. Я давно так не смеялась, просто заряд бодрости получила. Обязательно покажу мужу.
Олеся
Я распечатаю эту статью и нечаянно покажу ее мужу. Спасибо авторам и сайту.
Аня
Статья просто супер! Весело, а главное как точно!
Антон
Правда? А от жены, кроме как про кровь, (из пальца) жалоб не помню.
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